You suck less than most people do

“You suck less than most people do,” he said.

I open my eyes to see him better, but he was sitting on a chair in a corner of the room, where the light couldn’t reach him. I close my eyes again and rub them swiftly, in the hope of seeing better. I open them again, but I still can’t see him.

“Thank you. I guess. Probably you do the same,” I said.

“I haven’t. I was the same as most people and sometimes even less. I was going along with my flock of sheep, saying and doing exactly as the others did. I didn’t have a voice. I was speaking only in a chorus.”

“You judge yourself too harsh.” I said “You never had that idea back then. You thought of yourself as being important. A figure that people looked up to. A titan. A Hercules that puts things into motion, when nobody else does.”

“Oh, but I was so wrong,” he said. “Probably I was unable to see further than my ego, nor being able to see past that bubble in which I lived in. I loved that bubble so much and so intensely, until it blinded me. I wished to live my whole life in that bubble. I probably would have had, if the circumstances wouldn’t have broken it.”

“I think ‘broken’ is a strong word. You never left or broke that bubble. You’re still there. I am still in that bubble in some ways. But a feet will always be outside now,” I said.

“You had the chance to leave and live a new life in a different place. You left me behind and after a time you forgot about me. You left me to die”

“But you didn’t die. I did.
I had to die so I can be reborn. I had to let go so I can learn from my life, so I can enjoy it, so I can live a life without looking over my shoulder to a past that I no longer live, to a man that I no longer am,” I said. “You see, I think many times of the past and of the things that I’ve done or could have done better.
I think of all the mistakes that could have been avoided, and of all the times where I was unable to find what I was looking for.
I embrace all of them now. I learned from them. From all of them. From loving all sorts of women, from running away from responsibility, lying to myself, cheating on life or from dancing with chaos. I learned from all of them and then I let them go.”

“I know you did. That is why I am here. To remind you of them.
Of the misery you felt when you’ve been cheated on, of the disappointments that came from trusting the wrong people, of the feeling of losing somebody you love or of missing the person that is not yours to miss anymore, of the anger, the tears, the vices, the fears, the pain. I am here to remind you of all of them. I am here to remind you that I am not dead,” he said.

“But you came too late. Way too late. Those skeletons are long buried, my old friend. I made peace with them a long time ago.
What I had to realize in order for me to be happy was that, all of them were experiences that had to happen in anyone’s life, at some point or the other. Lessons that we all have to learn.So I analyzed, understood and in the end accepted them.

Because you are here now, instead of reminding me of all the things you just said, you are reminding me of all the good times that happened back then. The comfort that I felt growing up with my friends and family, the joys and glorious moments, the smiles, the laughter, the parties, the jokes, of all of them. But most of all, how it feels to love and to be loved.

Indeed I miss that place which I don’t even know if it’s still exists, where my hearth is full and my soul understood. But now, I found a new one,” I said.

“I am the most important part of your life!!” he screams and rises from his chair and comes to face me in the light.

He seems younger than I am, but he looks old, tired and worn out. He looks at me with my face, with my eyes, with my body. He is the man I used to be. He is me.

“You are an important part of my life, but not the most important. Me, now, in this moment, am the most important part.
So don’t try to be a despot or a dictator of some sort. You won’t be able to dictate my life as you were doing until not so long ago.
The present counts the most, the  breaths that we are taking now, not the ones we exhaled long ago.

I will carry you with me everywhere I go and never forget you. I am proud of you. You helped create the man you see in front, but all decisions that I take, or the way I choose to live my life, are based on ‘now’ and not on ‘then’.
We all belong to the time that we know how to live the best”

After I told him that, he left the room and closed the door behind him. Even though he is not in the room anymore, I still feel his presence.

 

you

 

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